and it's words that hurting me each time that I am afraid to read.

After yesterday night.....

I felt fully exhausted and knowing that I am truly not recovered.


slept for 3 hours and in that three hours its full of flipping of images
and spontaneous ideas come like pop out of the brain.

Try to separate the pressure and end up even thinking more and more.



I am feeling like a stab stabbing on my heart bleeding and alone facing the horrible scene. I am truly hurt and helpless.

愛人如己

to be honest.....I am really very sick-.-
feeling very weird

One day when I have a family, I really want a "family" which oriented based on love, caring and respect.

That's simple, that's difficult.



Just heard from my mum that my sister is having a sever pneumonia with persistent fever for 3 days.She is taking different types of medication recently. I don't know that until I call home, as if every time when my house have something big going on I am not a part to "know". Kind of having a bad feeling to
miss something.

I figured out I usually like to do things for others but not myself.

The reason is usually not "me".

Because this and that and others said.


The feeling of "support" by a specific others just don't make me feel secure. What if I lots this support sometimes.

I have adapted.




After all I am still not able to live freely away from this shadow. Oh boy.

After all, I might end up in Camrose again.

It's not the end but the beginning.

Remember, you will die.

What are the thing you want to do if you will be dead tomorrow.

I want to,

﹣Drive to anywhere I want to go.
-Have breakfast with my mum
-Finish the MCAT exam before I die
-Sit on the beach and look at the sea and talk with a friend
﹣飲茶
﹣walk around and take some photos in HK
-Buy some new clothes for summer.
-donate all my money (IF I HAVE) after I have done everything I want in that day.

Welcome to Edmonton

英文退步了＝。＝

Home alone.

Tonight is a good good night.

There is something deep in my heart resolved today. Broken pieces of unhappy events since 17 years old caused by unhappy relationship with family is probably the biggest reason why I have that pensive feeling sometimes.

It is a genuine piece of myself who is back. I never want it to be gone again. A feeling of warmth, passion and harmony. It is something I have not been experiencing for a long time, at least 6 years.

I am so sure about this feeling. Yes, this is the right track that I want.


Does anything specifically happened which helps? Not really. It's just happened. A click.

Welcome back my soul.

Lonely, I felt so lonely.

Moved into Iris ( my cousin) student dorm today. A much better feeling relative to stay in Uncle Ken's house. His house is basically too crowded with people and its so easy to lost things.

To be true to myself, I am lonely now. Friends in HK of course, as usual, busy for work.
Friends met in Augustana, just dispersed to different part of the world.

I start to have a feeling that I have been living in by brain for a long time. Time to make some connection to the world.

好悶， 我一個人真係好悶=.=

My mind is floating somewhere between HK, Edmonton, Banff, Camrose and Europe. Please be back as soon as possible Mr. Choi

After the 2 week trip to Europe, time to get myself prepared for the MCAT. It is going to be another 2 months.

I still don't have an answer to the question "Do I want to stay in Canada or back to HK?" The coming two months will be a good time for meditation.

Its quite driven by chance, there is too little things that people can control. Just get myself prepared.

Insulted.

Feeling Sad, Lonely, Nervous, Excited, Relieved at the same time.

Photos

I hope that she will remember me through the photos with her. In another side of the world, she start to lost her memory. Asking their child "who you are". I really hope that she still remember her grand son in her memory, the image of a happy fat boy who sleep besides her listening to radio together.

There is nothing that can be replaced by that powerful feeling. Grandmother. I love you.

Thx dawn help me to print photos and visit gradmother.

I don't know how she will respond when she saw the photos. That's all I can do now.


Jeffrey

Grandmother

Last night around 5:00 p.m. receive a call from mother calling from the hospital that grandmother staying.

Grand ma talked to me on phone for less than a minute. The voice that she is panting, weak and unclear makes me feel frustrated, worried.

Cannot get focused today because of this. There are too many memories of my childhood from my grandmother. Every single of them are full of warmth and care.

Happy Easter

-had a nice dinner with Iris (my cousin)
-had delicious sushi, paid by Iris
-had a cup of Italian Icecream
-finished the novel norwegian wood
-saw a meaningful HK movie-圍城（Besieged City）
-had breakfast
-did not missed the bus
-seen Shutter Island(martin scorsese)
-A $20 nice fit blue jacket
-Started my plan to UK
-Good dinner with the Tin Family
-Going to Sell my camera lenses
-going to cut my hair tomorrow
-start to do things according to plan, again
-chat with Gabriel on the project
-Sleep before 1:30

Pensive mood

A wave of pensive mood flood into the mind and flow away quickly.
1 month to go and I will end my life of Augustana. As if, I have done many things.


2 days ago called Mum and have a long chat. I am always sensitive to words. End up, mum cried and I am angry.

It is never too late to find yourself. Who to define "you", its really yourself ultimately.

Just came home (dorm room) after the drink and sing in a pub.

Kristin asked me a question, "Why you don't yourself as a happy person?"" You are happy!"

I said," I am not, I am like a clown. A happy face with sorrow and pensive mood inside."

She asked,"Why?"

I said, " I don't know."

She said," There must be something due to your early life experience."

I though for a while, I really think its something inborn, inherited, something genetic.

I rarely face this side of myself. One good way is to occupy oneself with something or some people, " you sleep, you wake up, its another day"

______________


Spontaneous childhood feelings:

there are various shots in my mind right now:
when I was small, I collect leaves from parks and put them in my draw as a collection to make book mark.

I have sever stomachache after eating lost of pasta and feeling like dieing. Feel so good that I can skip a test the day after.

I cried after my mother said that we are going to move back to Canada somedays. However, till now they have not moved here and I am the only one who is here.

The time I start to feel that I have less friends around me is...... after form 2 when we have learnt how to use the computer.

I talked with gabirel chiu on phone for 6 hours when I am primary six. It is the longest talk ever which I don't really know what we have talked.

I remember once been to Yiu Chee Kee's birthday and told his mum the sushi she is making does not taste good. As a kid, its definitely impolite.

Grandma sewing a cat dolll by hand. I still clearly remember the time she sew the eye of the cat onto the head of the cat.

Still remember the when the old airport is nearby Kowloon City, I can see lots of plan everyday. The bottom of the plane is so close to my head. I had imagined the flight will land on my house.



When life goes too fast, people and incident besides me can just break me down for a bit and I lost myself for a while. After some days, suddenly, found a missing piece and remind me the rest of the pieces......like a puzzle.


Miss home? Yes, I miss my home when I am around 8 years old.=]

_____________


I am an extreme follower in the early part of my life. Now, I follow my feeling more and more and more.


_____________


There are many things in life that is so magical. Why this why that? " why" sometimes is not important. After I asked why I need to step onto this moment and think "and then what?"





Zz....

女神卡卡=Lady Gaga

黑眼豆豆=Black Eyed Peas

er.......=.=

Left Hander

http://www.lefthandersday.com/tour6.html

That's why I am having dyslexia


Most left-handers draw figures facing to the right.(I am)

There is a high tendency in twins for one to be left-handed. ( I am)

Stuttering and dyslexia occur more often in left-handers (particularly if they are forced to change their writing hand as a child, like King of England George VI).( I am)

這是一幅油畫，最近在西方社會以及網絡世界引發的口水已經比畫家所用的顏料多出千倍。畫家是劉溢，一個去了加拿大的中國人。2005年3月6日紐約一個畫展據說展出了此畫，引起了很多猜測，因為畫作的題目是：“2008北京”。

這張圖很有意思，名字叫 " 北京2008 " ，畫的卻是四個女人打麻將，顯然有隱藏得很深的含義在裏面。


正面下方背後有文身的亞裔女子，應該是中國了。
左手打牌打得聚精會神的，是日本。
穿著上衣側頭的是美國。
躺得很YD的的，是俄羅斯。
旁邊站著的小女孩，是臺灣。

中國碰了“東風”，是何含義？可能是兩層意思，一是中國借了東風在崛起；二，“東風導彈”是中國已經擺在臺面上的有力武器。中國一方面形勢好像不錯，但不知道其他的牌如何，而她又在牌桌下做著小動作。

美國一副成竹在胸的樣子，看著臺灣，表情很耐人尋味，一方面是想從臺灣的表情裏讀懂些什麽，一方面眼神又在給臺灣做暗示。

俄羅斯一副漠不關心的樣子，其實不然。一邊腳勾搭著美國，一邊在給中國遞牌，兩國可以說是在暗中互相交換利益。

日本人一本正經看著自己的那副牌，全然不知道別人在做些什麽動作，只顧著打著自己的牌。

臺灣身穿紅肚兜，可能意思是中華文明的最後真正繼承者。。。臺灣一手拿著水果一手拿著水果刀，表情陰郁而憤恨得看著中國。。。但沒辦法，他不入局，無論最終誰勝利，他都只能幫別人切水果。

窗完河邊烏雲密布，應該是暗示海峽兩岸局勢危機，一觸即發了。
墻上的掛象很有意思，孫的胡子，蔣的光頭，毛的長相。。。

這四個女子的著裝也很有意思。
中國光著上身，下邊一條裙子一條內褲。
美國一件外套一件內衣，下身卻光著。
俄羅斯只剩一條內褲了。
日本已經什麽都不剩了。
這也是各國局勢的寫照。

美國衣著看上去最整齊，實力也最強大，其他幾人均有點衣不蔽體，但美國貌似光鮮，但卻其實已經暴露了自己的底線，而中國和俄羅斯雖然貌似赤裸，但關鍵陰私卻藏住了。
假設這局牌是賭脫衣服的，誰輸了誰脫。

這一局牌打下來。。。中國輸，則淪落到如今俄羅斯的地步。。。（跟蘇聯解體情況相當。。。）
美國輸，也會淪落到俄羅斯的地步。。。
俄羅斯再輸，則徹底淪落到一無所有。。。
而日本，其實已經一無所有了。。。俄羅斯貌似相公，在陪打。。。其實俄羅斯是在和中國換牌，真正的陪打是日本。。。因為她已經沒東西可輸了，而且一輸就立刻出局了。

總結一下。。。
美國最假正經，看上去最光鮮。。。但其實危機不小。如果打輸這一局，他就得交出霸主的地位。
俄羅斯兩邊勾搭，最是陰險狡詐。。。情況有點類似解放後的中國，一會倒向蘇聯一會倒向美國。。。因為自身實力不濟，只能在兩邊搖擺以求得生存和發展
中國的牌有太多看不見了，說明中國隱藏了很多實力？而且桌面下又和俄羅斯在換牌。。。而美國人卻只能從臺灣的表情上去揣測中國和俄羅斯幹了些什麽。。。日本人則一無所知，繼續打著自己的牌。。。中國的牌最深不可測。
日本。。。別人在搞這麽多動作，他基本沒有贏的可能。。。而且一輸的話立刻出局。
臺灣。。。她冷眼旁觀，桌上這些人在搞什麽她都看見了，心裏也清楚。。。可是她沒有入局的資格和能力，也沒有話語權。。。心懷不滿也無濟於事，只能做你的丫頭，給勝利者獻上你的水果。
勝利者應該在中國和美國之間產生，這個懸念不大。但要看清楚，美國盡管實力強，但她們玩的是中國麻將，不是西方撲克，按中國人的規矩玩牌，美國人的成算又有多少？

CANDA

I would like to jot down a lines here about what I am learning after coming to CANADA


1) Learning to think wise and act fast
2) Learning to cool down before sleeping
3) Learning to have a balanced diet
4) Learnt to ask people " How are you doing" , that's really make yourself happy
5)
Remind myself:

I tends to stick to the state "inside a room" psychologically. In other words inside one thinking box for too long.

I hesitate too much when I really want to do it.

I like the feeling when I suddenly discover LIFE CAN BE FUN ( I rarely does, truely, I only know the feeling of playful)

I am still learning to trust myself instead of judge myself ( there should be a balance)

There is a little kid inside my mind who tends pull me down.

I actually misunderstand myself in some way when I am neglecting the truth.

I would trust myself there are always many possibility in life, you can choose to worry OR to be excited about that. I should start to learn to be keep on the sunny side.

I always think I have less than I need, however, I have more than I need. The key is learn to enjoy.

You have a plan, god laughs. Let your voice or your god lol to see how beautifully the plan is spoiled and reformed and transcend.

Pine cone in the Frost

Pine cone in the Frost
原由 jeffrey_net 上載

唔係你屋企人既公仔
既然你有deep thinking
why not think about urself

I had enough sleep. Time to work.