It is random but sort of a good timing for writing when life has been not so smooth. I have been experiencing a sense of loneliness, solitude ... whatever you call it. It feels like I am the only one in the house but no one is responding when I call. I once believe that meeting someone I like, spending time on things I do will dilute loneliness, but maybe it's is eventually a cycle that I have to slow down and look at myself knowing that something just has to be in someway that is so out of control. Maybe just deal with it.

Finally wake up a bit more spiritually. What I am seeking for seems to be coming to me. I guess after 1 year of studying in LA, give me a time of mental calmness and reposition myself. When I see the people around me with different aims and desire. My goal became clearer and clearer. So what is my goal? To master the core of healing and treat people with my healing hands. To be a good doctor for my patients and help them to improve their quality both physically and mentally. Helping people is something not well defined. Some doctors think they are helping people, by their ignorance to their ignorance is often the reason why they end up losing patient's trust and even worse, worsen the patient condition.

I need to put down this anger and move on.

Long time no write.

After all these years, I finally have to learn a lesson again and evolve to be wise and smart enough to learn to love myself more. I had to admit that I expect too much, think too far, too deep and mis-interprete my personal expectation and my partner's expectation. I feel naked in some way, because I over-trusted her too much. I use to have faith on this relationship & the love between us, however, once again this unrealistic expectation had driven me to hurt myself once again. Some days ago, I might think it this way : it's a waste of time, resource, effort to build up this long term relationship. Now I think, it's good not to waste my effort and kindness on someone who don't treasure me anymore. I had placed her in such a high priority that I disappoint myself. When she is placing me in a priority that I do not think I deserve, I collapse, I drag myself, I crave for attention, I want something back. I don't blame her, but I am just too naive to make this decision and chose to trust her again. She loved me, but it does not change anything now, I just hope that these memories will fade out and will not affect me subconsciously like a curse or a worm in the apple. This feeling annoys me once and I don't want it to come back anymore. 8 fucking years, yes, 8 fucking years, time to wake up and accept that people change and they will change without advanced notification, reasoning, priority. They will not reserve anything for you when they change, they just do not think about your feeling anyhow anymore. I have to learn to reserve more for myself until I am lucky enough to find another person to depend on, this is what I am truly expecting At least for me, romance is only something short-term. Romance might brighten up a relationship but cannot last a relationship. Romance is like a cup of coffee which provide pleasure, when you start it, you want more. Whenever you want it again, you want a higher dose to be satisfied. I can do more to make you feel the romance, but up to a point, it is not about the romance , its about the give and take, a natural interaction with peacefulness. For you as a person who seek for romance, it is attractive but dangerous. The relationship that she had before are mostly short, because she is seeking for shot of cocaine. The starting feeling will be strong, passionate and moving. As Dayo Wong said, women are seeking for refreshing feeling on the same person again and again. I am feel tired to provide that when it is not rewarding. I expected to be appreciated and and treasured as well. Trust, caring, support, understanding are much more everlasting values. Talking about friendship or not, it is not important at least at this stage, because I just need to recover myself. Staying away from her is the best way to do that. All the things she gave me are like speakers with murmuring sound and keep reminding me those stories. Those things are once supportive blessings and now I have to make sure they are just "things". May these speakers mute and the best way is to get rid of them. I am always a choice for you in your list. In fact, I have placed myself into a position without choice and end up feeling horrible.

文人

文人多大話。

Haha, haha, haha.

There is a discussion here going on about the increase in the water and gas bill in this apartment that HAPPENED IN THIS MONTH. Not other months, but this month.

Water bill rise from 70-80 to around 120
gas bill rise from 70-80 to around 150

As discussed with boss, from his mouth know that there there is a kid claims that that this rise is due to my usage of heater every night. However, I have been using it since January, so if, its me, then.......I have no idea how come this close to double rise occur only in this month.

Considering the water bill which nearly doubled and the fact that I am usually in Edmonton for the weekend. I estimate that there is nothing strongly correlated to me.

I won't pay a penny for you because of your so-called girlfriend staying here every single night.

Kids today.